


The Talk

by RedTigerRose



Series: Writing Prompts [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Blood Magic, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, Pre-Relationship, Promiscuity, Regret, Romance, Self Slut Shaming, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex Talk, Slut Shaming, Trauma, Virgin Alistair (Dragon Age), Writing Prompt, heart to heart, virgin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedTigerRose/pseuds/RedTigerRose
Summary: Writing Prompt:A secret from your OC's past in revealed.Lexa Amell tells Alistair about her sexual past.





	The Talk

_“Sifting through my thoughts, my memories…tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have…using my shame against me…my ill-advised infatuation with her and what I let happen between us…a mage, of all things. I am so tired of these cruel jokes…these tricks…these…”_

The sun was setting, a blood red against the darkening waters of Lake Calenhad. First Enchanter Irving had offered them rooms to stay in, but Lexa had been eager to leave the tower. For good, this time. The things she had seen…

  
Closing her eyes against the final rays of the dying sun, she pulled her armor from her body, her skin slick with blood and sweat. Once they had reached the shores, Wynne had suggested that they stay at the tavern there. The _Spoiled Princess_. But Lexa had refused. She had mumbled some sort of excuse about not wanting to be confined inside for the time being, and her companions had agreed, albeit reluctantly.

  
Naked she had lowered herself into the cool waters of the lake, letting the coldness numb her body against the aching. It had been a long day. Fighting demons and blood mages, some of who she knew. A couple of the blood mages they had come across had been her roommates once upon a time. She had hoped to reach a shred of kinship amongst them, but instead, they had turned on her with a new sense of vengeance. Words like “Irving’s pet” and “perfect little mage” and “slut” had been growled through gritted teeth as they threw spells at her and her friends, one striking Alistair in the chest and paralyzing him momentarily. A newfound rage had shot through Lexa’s body as she conjured a lightning storm from her staff and struck the blood mages down. One of them barely survived and had taken to begging for her life. Claiming that they had turned to blood magic to escape the tyrannical rule that had clamped down on them since Jowan had escaped. Lexa may have let her live if she hadn’t felt a taunting smirk rise on the girl's mouth at the mention of the escape that Lexa herself had allowed to happen. She had ended the girls’ life then and there.

  
Was she a murderer now? Dipping her head beneath the water, she wondered what would happen if she never resurfaced. A seed of guilt that had been planted deep within her was now growing, spreading leaves of regret within her very soul. She had tried not to think about that night with Cullen, how she had woken up the next morning alone. He hadn’t even said goodbye. She had lain in that bed for a long time after waking, wondering what the fuck she had been thinking. Seducing a Templar, of all things. Seducing him, specifically. He had always been so sweet to her, letting her get away with sneaking treats from the kitchens or wandering the hallways after lights out. He was the only Templar who had treated her like a person, and what did she do? She had seduced him, corrupted him, taken away his virtue and tainted his existence as a servant of the Maker.

  
Resurfacing with a gasp, she realized that she was crying. She cried for the young Templar, wishing she could go back. The things he had said to her today, after she had fought her way through the tower, witnessing the very thing that she could become tearing apart what was left of her home.

  
He hated her, she realized. He hated her for what had happened between them. She had taken from him a dignity that he could never retrieve. Perhaps she was the only mage he had ever truly trusted, and she had ruined that by taking advantage of him and his kindness.

  
Not that she had been in the right state of mind herself. She had been drunk, too. And leaving her home forever. Sneaking away from the camp Duncan had set up after he fell asleep, she had gone to the tavern to be around regular people for the first time in her life. She had not expected to see him there, of all people. Drinking with his fellow Templar’s on their night off.

  
She realized that she would miss him, despite never really holding a real conversation with him. She had always envisioned him as being her knight in shining armor, here to take her away from the tower, like a princess trapped by a dragon. But instead, Duncan had conscripted her, seeing promise in the young mage and rescuing her from punishment after Jowan escaped.

  
It’s now or never, she remembered saying to herself, approaching him at the table with a jug of ale to share.

  
Alcohol was flowing, and they were talking as if they had been friends for years. She couldn’t clearly remember how they had ended up in bed together. But she remembered through a hazy collection of memories everything that they had done that night. And she remembered the heartbreak she felt the next morning, waking up naked and alone.

  
She felt dirty.

  
Not expecting to see him again, Lexa had come to Kinloch Hold merely to speak to First Enchanter Irving and Knight-Commander Greagoir to rally their forces to her cause. But instead, she had come to a tower in chaos.

  
Her first thought had been one name. _Cullen._

  
And she had found him, so many hours and so many demons later, cowering and praying, his eyes haunted by the things he had seen.

  
He too, she realized, had seen his peers fall to the corruption of blood magic and evil.

  
“Lexa?” she heard Alistair say from the darkening shadows between the trees.

  
She turned in the water, watching the young ex-Templar-in-training cautiously make his way to the edge of the lake. He kept his eyes glued to hers, ignoring the way her soaking auburn hair clung to her bare breasts.

  
“Are you okay?” he asked.

  
Those three simple words caused a small sob to escape her lips. She shook her head and made her way to the water's edge where he held out a clean, dry blanket for her to wrap herself in. Alistair was already out of his soiled armor and had changed into clean clothes, and busied himself with making a small fire at the water’s edge away from the camp while she changed into her clean clothes. Picking up the blanket and wrapping it firmly around her shoulders, she sat by the growing heat of the fire.

  
She felt his hand on the small of her back, tracing a comforting circle with his fingers as he sat next to her in silence.

  
After several minutes of watching the sun sink below the horizon and the sky darkening, he finally spoke. “If you need to talk about it, you know I’m here.”

  
Lexa pulled the blanket up to her eyes as she felt more tears coming. She simply nodded.

  
“I understand that you probably knew everyone there. If I had…” he took a deep breath. “If I had known that was what we were walking into, I would have made you stay in Redcliffe.”

  
She felt her stomach clench with more guilt at the mention of Redcliffe. Remembering how upset Alistair had been about Lexa allowing Jowan to perform the ritual, sacrificing Isolde in the process to save Connor. Lexa had been furious at Alistair when he confronted her later that night.

  
“Well maybe if you grew a pair and actually took charge once in a while, I wouldn’t be stuck making all the hard decisions. You have no right to tell me I made the wrong choice when you’re too much of a coward to even make a choice.”

  
They hadn’t spoken for a week after that, tracking down the Dalish clan that was rumored to be south from Redcliffe, walking through the forest as the other members of their group filled the uncomfortable silence with mundane chatter about the birds they saw or the weather. They hadn’t properly spoken to one another until after the Assembly in Orzammar had crowned Bhelen king, and they had had time to discuss matters other than their business as Grey Wardens at the coronation celebration.

  
Alistair had wholeheartedly apologized for lashing out, and it was then that he had told her about why he felt he owed Arl Eamon so much - Lexa had understood after learning that he was the bastard prince of Ferelden and that Arl Eamon had protected him and been responsible for him for so long when no one else would.

  
“I just wish we could have saved Isolde as well as Connor,” he had said sadly then, in the banquet hall of the Orzammar palace.

  
She had placed a hand on his shoulders. “Me too.” She had finally been able to explain her rationale for the decision. The demon inside Connor was releasing a horde of undead on the town of Redcliffe; the people were exhausted. Lexa feared that they would not last much longer, and definitely not long enough for her and Alistair to ride to Kinloch Hold and ask the mages for aid. Too many people would have died. Alistair saw that now and forgave her.

  
They had gotten back to normal by the time they reached the Circle, if not closer than before. Lexa had been happy to have gotten past their first big fight; she had missed their banter and his cheesy jokes. His easy smile and the way his hazel eyes widened whenever she responded with a witty one-liner to one-up his own.

  
But now she felt awful again. She had allowed blood magic to tear apart a family, and then exposed them to more blood magic while in the tower. She was so sick of blood magic. She was so sick of herself.

  
She didn’t realize how hard she was crying until he pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly and rocking her as she began to sob.

  
“It’s okay,” he said, his lips against her forehead as he stroked her hair. “I’m here.”

  
“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice thick with tears.

  
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said softly.

  
“I let Jowan use blood magic,” she said against his chest. “I should never have done that. It was wrong, blood magic is evil and bad and should never be done, not even - ”

  
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, hushing her as he held her tighter. “It’s okay. Connor is safe, he’s fine. Okay? And the blood mages at the circle? Not your fault.” He gently rocked her in his arms as she cried against his chest, soaking his shirt. “You’re one of the best mages I have ever met. I know you would never do anything unless you saw reason to. You would never use magic for bad, like Uldred.”

  
“I’m not a blood mage,” she mumbled. “But I allowed it to happen once. What if it made things at Redcliffe worse?”

  
She felt his hands under her chin as he pushed her away gently so he could see her face. His eyes were molten gold in the firelight. “I doubt things could be made much worse in Redcliffe,” he said with a chuckle, his lip curling into a smile and his eyebrow raised.

  
She felt herself smiling despite her tears. “I suppose.”

  
He pulled her back into his embrace, stroking her hair until her tears had finished falling. They sat in silence, watching the stars reflect across the calm waters of the lake.

  
“So…” Alistair said after she had pulled away from him and was busying herself with braiding her hair for bedtime. “Who was that Templar?”

  
She felt her heart sink. She shrugged a shoulder. “His name is Cullen.”

  
“You knew him quite well? I mean, despite he being a Templar and you being a mage and you both living in the same Circle.”

  
“I suppose you could say that.”

  
“I’m not being judgemental,” Alistair said quickly. “I’m sorry if I’m prying and tell me to mind my own business if I overstep here. It’s just that…I’m curious. You seemed very shaken up by the experience and by his words, and something tells me it has more to do with the whole demons-and-blood-mages thing.”

  
“You have me figured out now, huh?” said Lexa, giving him a smirk to show she meant it in good humor.

  
“Maybe my warden senses are tingling and I know when you’re upset?” he said, raising an eyebrow.

  
Lexa took a deep breath. “I have feelings - had feelings - for him, and he felt the same way…” she paused, looking back at Alistair. “You promise you won’t judge me?”

  
“Never ever,” he said, giving her such a solemn look that she almost giggled as the absurd notion of Alistair looking serious.

  
“I had sex with him,” she said simply.

  
“Oh.”

  
“Yep,” she said.

  
“Many times?”

  
“No,” she said, then chewed on her lip as she thought about how to tell him. “The day that Duncan recruited me, we camped for the night not far from the tavern over there,” she pointed through the trees towards the dock. “and after Duncan had fallen asleep I snuck away and went to the tavern. I gave away the ring that First Enchanter Irving gave me after my Harrowing to start a tab. Cullen was there with the other Templars, we started talking, got very drunk, and one thing led to another…” she waved her hand. “I think he regretted it. I woke up the next day alone in the bed.”

  
Alistair scoffed. “What a gentleman.” 

  
Lexa chuckled. “I think when he woke up he remembered himself. He was always shy and kind, not like the other Templar’s - some of which do take advantage of the apprentices. I think, out of all the Templar’s I have ever known, he actually believes in his role and tries to follow the rules as closely as possible.”

  
“And you seduced him?” said Alistair, poking her playfully in the ribs.

  
She pouted. “I guess I did,” she said, swallowing the hurt when she realized he was joking. “I wanted to say goodbye to him, you know? I didn’t think I would see him again.”

  
“And what better place than a dirty old tavern?” said Alistair. “The place of stories, that. Where every maiden wishes to be taken for her first time making love with a gallant knight.”

  
Lexa licked her lips, looking coy. “Oh, he was the maiden. Not I.”

  
“Oh, really, now?” said Alistair, chuckling. “You little vixen, you.” Lexa noticed his cheeks reddening in the firelight despite his teasing. “So, who was your first, if not the Templar?”

  
“One of the other mages,” she said. “A friend - with benefits, of course. He was a couple of years older than I. We weren’t in love or anything, it was just for fun. Experimental. He used to run away a lot, and always managed to get caught. I think the last time I saw him was after his sixth escape. I’m pretty sure he’s escaped now, come to think of it.” She laughed at the memory. “Whenever he got out of detention after being caught he always found me again for another night of adventure. We were bored in that tower, I’m sure you understand.”

  
Alistair chuckled again. “I can imagine.” He sighed, leaning back onto his elbows.

  
She mimicked him, leaning back, the blanket falling from her shoulders. She rested her head against the pile of blankets, looking up at him thoughtfully. “You can imagine?” she said after a pause, frowning slightly.

  
“Yeah,” he said, looking down at her.

  
“Does that mean…”

  
“What?”

  
“You’ve never…”

  
“Never what?”

  
“You know…” she trailed off, rolling her eyes.

  
“Never…what? Had a good pair of shoes?”

  
“Oh for Maker’s sake, Alistair,” said Lexa, laughing and poking him in the ribs.

  
He looked down at her, that damn cocky eyebrow raised again. “Never seen a basilisk? Ate jellied ham? Have I never licked a lamppost in winter?”

  
She threw herself back onto the ground with a grunt, a laugh still managing to escape her lips. “Now you’re just making fun of me.”

  
“Make fun of you, dear lady? Perish the thought,” he laughed at the apparent torture he was inflicting on her.

  
“You’re impossible.”

  
“But you love it,” he said, cocking his head to one side.

  
“So you are a virgin.”

  
“Am I?”

  
She rolled her eyes at him again. “Shocker if you are.”

  
“Oh, oh, ouch,” he said, holding a hand to his chest as though in pain.

  
She poked him in the ribs again. “You asked for it.”

  
He nodded. “I suppose I did. And for what it’s worth, being raised in a Chantry does not really allow for the same types of exploration you were exposed to. So to answer the question you so desire to be answered; no, I have never had the pleasure.”

  
She nodded slowly against the blanket beneath her head, feeling at ease for the first time in weeks. Being in such close proximity to the first person in a long time that she had allowed herself to trust brought on a wave of safety, and she felt relaxed in his presence. “I find that surprising,” she said with a yawn, her eyelids growing heavy as they lay next to the bank together.

  
“You do?” he said as he lowered himself down onto his back, gazing up at the stars.

  
“Handsome man like you,” she said, rolling over onto her side and slipping her hands under her cheek, facing him.

  
He mirrored her movements, rolling towards her, his face a foot away from hers. “Is this your way of saying I’m handsome?”

  
She closed her eyes, blocking out his cheeky features as she yawned again. “I’ll never tell,” she said through smiling lips.


End file.
